My Date in Central Park

If you’ve never done online dating, DON’T. It’s honestly the worst. I can’t BEGIN to count the scammers, catfish, and crazy people I have met on dating apps. I remember this one girl told me on a first date that she expected me to get married within four months and have children within two years. The clock was ticking, in her words. She got a second date, if that gives you any indication of how low the bar is here. So imagine my surprise when I met Sarah. 

Her profile said she was into theater, working out, art, and about a million other things I like. She seemed beautiful, intelligent, outgoing, and more than a little edgy. It was like her profile was MADE to get my attention, so naturally I expected her to be an emotional dumpster fire, or maybe even a guy. 

We matched almost immediately, and I struck up a conversation. It was actually delightful! She knew a lot about everything her profile claimed to like, so there was no lack of topics to ask her questions about. And to my surprise, she had a lot of questions for me! It's not the rarest thing in the world, but a lot of people just talk about themself. But we flirted like a tennis match. I asked her something, she answered and asked me one, I answered and accidentally mentioned a detail about my bedroom. She capitalized and said, “I can’t wait to see it ;)”. Point to Sarah, and she serves again.

It went back and forth like this for about a week, until she mentioned loving the Glen Span Arch. I happen to walk that path home every day, so I took the opportunity to invite her out for a coffee and walk, promising her that even if the date sucks, at least she can still enjoy the arch! She wrote “LMFAO!” as if that was the funniest thing she had ever heard in her life, and then agreed. 

I chose Alke Café for the same reason we were walking the arch; even if the date sucked, at least I got my favorite coffee. I got there early, bought my extra cream 4 sugars mocha swirl (don’t judge) and sat at one of the window seats. I tried looking out the window to appear intellectual at first, but I got bored and started scrolling Tiktok. I jumped when someone sat down across from me.

At first I thought they got the wrong table. This person didn’t match the pictures on her profile. Not like a catfish or anything! It was the opposite. She was absolutely stunning. Her pictures were good enough to get my attention, but she was WAY prettier than they made her seem. Like if the pics were a seven, she was a ten. Athletic, petite, jet black hair with dyed red tips, and a smile that screamed “I’m nervous, but so are you, and I won’t let you forget it.” Or at least that's how I read it. 

I’m happy to report she wasn’t only interesting over text. We chatted awkwardly for a moment, but the flow we had found previously came back quickly. She made yet another comment that made me blush so hard I spilled a bit of coffee on my shirt, which made her giggle. You should hear her laugh. You know those anime girl giggles? Imagine that, but like a million times better. And deeper. And realistic. I’m not good at describing sounds, okay?

We started walking. I genuinely don’t remember what we talked about, or how long we walked. I just remember laughing, and so much talking that my coffee got cold. I tossed the rest of it in a can. 

I was definitely falling for her. I mean never in my life has a person so thoroughly captivated my attention. And none of it seemed strained or forced, so I think she was into me too. Honestly, I never got the chance to ask because of what happened next. It was like, three in the afternoon, and we got MUGGED. 

Mugged? Jumped? Attacked? It doesn’t matter. You’re going to think I’m lying here, but I swear this is nothing but the truth. Just as we got to the bridge, a two foot tall lizard… dog… person… thing jumped out from the bushes and started waving a pocket knife at us. I was so confused at first, but the fear set in fast and my heart was pounding in my damn throat. I’ve never been mugged before. And I’ve DEFINITELY never seen one of these things before. I legit thought I was dreaming. Or hallucinating, or something. But it spoke! I don’t remember what it said, ‘give me your money’ or ‘hand over your valuables’ or something like that. All I remember is the sound of the voice. It was like when you run over gravel in a car. But like. High pitched gravel. With a whoosh-y lisp. Look, I told you I’m not good at describing sounds, but it was crazy, okay? It reminded me of my grandma that used to smoke all the time. 

I was so in shock, I remember fumbling for my wallet in my pocket for a sec before remembering I didn’t have any cash, just cards. Was I about to get stabbed by a lizard thing because of that? Or would it be satisfied with just my wallet? I was about to pull it out when Sarah stepped in front of me and put a hand on my elbow. I FREAKING FORGOT SHE WAS THERE. You want to talk about humiliating? This absolutely amazing girl spends all day with me, and the MOMENT there's a hint of danger I forget about her completely and just worry about myself. God I’m the worst. Anyway, here's the crazy part (yeah, THAT wasn’t it).

She didn’t look back at me at all. She moved her hand off my elbow while staring at this thing. I was behind her a little so I couldn’t see her face, but I assumed she was just as scared as me until she said in this super dramatic voice, “Oh terrifying dragon! Please spare us, and we will give you all the gold we have!” She reached into her purse and pulled out a bag of gold coins. Not like real ones, though. You know those chocolate coins they give to kids at that pirate themed restaurant? THOSE. And this thing’s eyes LIT UP. It started doing this little hop thing, bouncing from foot to foot and waving its hand out towards the chocolate. She tossed the bag to him, and he grabbed it and held it close to his chest like it was a baby. 

He looked like he was going to leave when he turned back to her and said, “Does the spotty one have any treasures?” nodding his big snout at my stained shirt. 

So she goes, “I’ll ask him, oh kind dragon, one moment.” That's when she turned to me and leaned in to whisper in my ear. “You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want, just toss these to him.” I felt her press the netting of a small plastic bag of ‘coins’ into my hand. Then she pulled back, and looked me in my eyes with a big embarrassed smile. I think she was trying to tell me it's okay, but honestly I was so confused at that point that I don’t think any look would have made a difference. I tossed him the bag, which he snapped up like the other one, before turning around and bolting for the underside of the bridge. Once he was gone, I felt myself take a massive breath in before I started to regain my sanity. 

I asked, “What the fuck was that???” less to Sarah and more to the universe if I’m being honest, but she answered anyway by saying

“That was my… that was Skrat.” She looked embarrassed again, standing there holding her arm and not looking me in the eye. It was disarming enough that I was able to lower my tone a bit. 

I asked, “What IS it?” in what I really hope was a calmer tone than the previous question. That's when she said, “he’s a kobald… I think,” like I should know what that is? I looked it up later, and apparently it's this German folklore thing, kind of like gnomes. Anyway, she grabbed my hand and led me onto the bridge and over to the side of it where she pointed straight down. Sure enough this thing was right there under the bridge, like 20 feet from us. Now that I wasn’t in mortal panic, I actually got a look at it. It was covered in these muted red scales with like, a yellow underbelly? You know how sharks and dinosaurs were two-toned or whatever? It was wearing a loincloth that I think might have been made out of a trash bag. 

But it was sitting down there on a rock, biting at the bag holding the gold coins and tearing it open with its teeth… or beak or whatever it had going on. When it finally got it open, it grabbed the biggest coin in the bag, but it didn’t just start biting at it. It very carefully unwrapped and removed the chocolate. It popped it in its mouth whole, and made a little squeal noise. I looked over at Sarah, but she was just locked in on this thing with the most adoring face I have ever seen. You know how a parent looks at their baby for the first time? Or like a young kid looks at a kitten? Like that. And it melted my heart. 

She must have noticed me staring, because she reached into her purse again and pulled out two more coins, one of which she offered to me. So we just sat there eating these chocolates and watching this thing carefully unwrap each chocolate before consuming them whole like a snake. 

Once it was done, it started folding up one of the wrappers so the gold outside was the only part showing. It made these tiny little gold squares out of each individual wrapper, and when it was done it stood up and picked up the rock it was sitting on. Underneath, there was a MASSIVE pile of these little gold squares. I mean hundreds just from what I could see. Sarah leaned over to me and whispered, “That's his horde” in this giddy little tone that honestly got me a little excited. I’m not sure about what though, maybe excited for the little guy and what he had gathered so far? Or maybe just to have been able to see it, since he clearly hid it so others wouldn’t know about it. 

It carefully placed each new square as if they all had a specific spot to be within this massive pile, before replacing the rock and making the horde disappear. He curled up on top of it and, I think, went to sleep. 

When I finally stopped looking at this super strange display, I looked over at Sarah, and I realized she had folded up our two wrappers in the same way as the creature, and placed them on the side of the bridge. She nodded her head toward the path again, and we started walking. It took a little while for the conversation to get flowing again because I kept asking questions about EVERYTHING that just happened. But she didn’t have a lot of answers for me. Basically she just told me that one day she found him, and happened to be carrying those chocolates, and it's been a tradition ever since.

I eventually moved on from it, but I admit it took a LOT out of me to not bring it back up. But once we got talking again, the date went back to normal, aside from me being a bit more suspicious of every bush we passed. We talked so long we actually ended up turning around when we got to the end of the path so we could keep talking. And by the time we got back to the bridge, the little squares she had made were gone.